Author: Princess Ichigo

I make comics and dreams.

I thought it was normal to have deep talks with kids.

I told my friends how having 2 kids is probably the best balance, and that having one more will likely thin out my attention and either one child is going to be emotionally neglected or all of them are not going to get the best of me.

No I don’t think having more than 2 kids is wrong, I’m saying I can’t manage. I’m not that good of a parent lol…

I told them how I have time alone with both Monday and Tuesday and that Monday and I have deep talks at night. We talk about life in general.

Monday is a sensitive soul despite how stubborn and boyish he looks. A lot things can easily hurt him. He may act out but inside he’s just soft. So we have really deep talks – – – him telling me if he’s sad, and why he’s sad. Mainly he’s wrapping his head around death. We have pets that died you see. I think it’s really hard on a child. It’s hard on even me! So we work through thing.

“What if you die. What’s going to happen?”

“I wish people don’t have to die”

I tell him how I’ll always be with him even after life and always watch over him as a star. But mainly, I tell him I will try my very best not to die.

We hug and hold each other hand. I tell him how it’s alright to be afraid, but there’s a lot more in life than just death. But death is ultimately what makes life precious. Death gives our life meaning. And for me, the meaning of my life is him and Tuesday. If I’d never die, then what is precious to me now will not be as precious because it will never end.

We have such deep talks with him leading with topics all the time.

“mommy can I tell you something”

That sentence is one that I would miss… When he grows up.

My friends were shocked at how deep our conversation goes. I guess yes he’s only 7 or so. But he has a deep soul.

I’m sure Tuesday would too. And I want to be there to listen to her deep talks.

To be honest, I used to have thoughts like that when I was 8, but never knew who to speak to. Living as a middle class kid in a developing country mean that my parents are always working, always focused on how to feed me. It was all about survival. But now things are different. I want to be the want to listen to my kid’s concern about life in general.

Deep talks may never continue infinitely with Monday when he grows, but that is exactly why it is so precious.

Guyssssss I love spicy food so so so so bad. Like I’d eat crazy spicy. I love it. A meal is boring without chilli. It’s like… Like a beach without waves, a mountain with no sunrise or sunset.

But about a year or two ago, I noticed as much as my tongue could handle, my stomach can no longer. I’ve even went in to ED not realising I have severe gastritis, thinking that Holy is it a gallstone? 😂 It was THAT painful. Nevermind that I think I may actually have melaena at one point but because it stopped after a day I didn’t go in to hospital for it 😂😅

I NEVER USED TO HAVE THIS PROBLEM UP UNTIL MY LATE 20S!!!!!!

Also, FYI if you don’t know, I’ve been learning to play drums. About 3m now? And it’s been lit! Except my hip. I HAVE SEVERE HIP PAIN – – – actually it’s because my stool was really crap and too low as well. But still… I was limping for 2 weeks!

I also noticed my hip flexor being a little weak. Actually this problem started right after labour with Lil’Tuesday. Immediately after giving birth to her I could not walk. I was waddling unable to lift my thighs up no matter how hard I try. It appears that I dislocated my pelvis so I needed to bring it back before my hip flexor could work properly.

There no denying guys. I’m old. Huhuuuu. I’m rusting….

We went to the safari today. I was a little disappointed because the weather was so hot all the animals were under shades or napping in their hut. It was difficult to spot most of them.

Why do the big cats sleep so much???! 😭😭😭😭 Their fluffy belly tho.. Omg I swear I’d be the first to die in the wilderness because I’ll pet any fluffy living things.

After the safari drive we had lunch and the kids were playing in the sand pit. There were playground too but seriously, it’s as if they’d never see sand before!!!! We can’t have a sand pit tho, our cat would probably rejoice for having a giant litter tray 😂

Funny enough both kids’ favourite part was the sand…. Not the rhino, or anything… Well maybe the baboon but that was only because they wrecked the car and the kids find that funny.

“the monkey ate our car,” Lil’Tuesday giggled as she recalled.

It takes so little for children to be happy, and yet it always feel so difficult at the same time.

We recently attended one of these couple therapy sessions. If you haven’t tried yet with your partner, you should really go!!!!!

Honestly, idk why it took us this long to go together. I’ve done it on my own before but like it can only go so far with only one person.

The therapy seem great. For the first time I heard things I’ve never heard from him in 7 years of marriage. Really important things like he admit he really wasn’t emotionally present during and after my second pregnancy, or that he agreed that I was suffering a lot on my own with postnatal depression. He thought it was awkward to bring things up, and he wanted to just get better.

But it was hard for me to take his hand, when there were so many unresolved hurt. The therapist explained that after many years I have learnt to cope with myself, I’m finding it difficult to open up. (sounds a lot like me)

Attending the therapy session actually made me feel that he was trying for me, and that itself made me feel 200% more happier.

I’m such a cactus. But what should I do, other than to go therapy? 😂

Mr Monday is an amazing boy. But his loving gentle side is covered with a thorny shrub.

Some have commented on the thorns of his soul. But I know, behind all that he is the best boy I do not deserve.

I sometimes look back and I feel wholly responsible. I was severely depressed during the pregnancy. I was put on high dose anti depressants. I’m sure those would have affected his development.

Post partum wasn’t easy either, and growing up as a toddler he has went through so much. (For courtesy purpose, I removed what I’ve wrote here on other individuals impact on him, but just know that Monday has went through a lot.)

There are so many things I wished I’ve done differently for him, if I ever could. But life isn’t a game, there’s no save point or a restart button.

If anyone is unhappy with my child, they should direct it to me, and not him. If he hadn’t had me as his mother, he probably would have been the most perfect child anyone would have met. But he had the short straw, he had no choice. He had me to be his mother.

In my eyes, both Monday and Tuesday are still, the most… Perfect soul… Whatever others may perceive.

I’m glad Lil Tuesday didn’t went through all that. To be fair I was on two max dose antidepressants when I carried her, but her life post partum was a lot better than Monday. Despite my 3months admission to the hospital when she was 4m, well she barely remembered anything. But for Mr Monday, whether he remembered it or not, I know it scarred him forever not to be able to see his mother for 3 whole months. I also took extra courses for mother’s empowerment when I had her. I was a different mother to both of them.

I will forever owe Monday. I will also forever owe Tuesday for the guilt I have for Monday.

I never thought that supervising would be such a mental drain. It’s actually more tiring than doing the work itself. It wasn’t just overseeing, but also racking your brain with answers to provide when it isn’t yourself who did the job.

I’m shattered. Yet I can’t sleep. My brain is melting, and my eyes are wide awake.

Is it me or can I now see a flying elephant?

Have you ever felt compassion fatigue?

Have you ever felt burnout?

Have you ever given advice to somebody who had no intention on improving their life or fix their problem?

What do you do?

I feel so stuck sometimes. How do you force a horse that doesn’t want to drink, even when you pull them the the edge of the river?

Shouldn’t people start taking accountability of their own lives?

Sigh. We can only listen. Listen to the perpetual cycle of their self inflicted misfortune.

But actually, are we the ones that are stuck? Or are they the ones who are stuck? Give them back the ball should we?

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