We do stupid things for love. And then destroy love by doing stupid things.
Just us humans.
(philosophy from kdrama)
Blog
There’s so much hate in the world right now. I’m asking myself, was it right for me to bring Monday and Tuesday into this sort of world.
We went to a long weekend trip recently for the kids and it has been such a lovely gateway.
I realised that what made the trip so enjoyable was that Mojuju and I did not have a single disagreement throughout the entire trip. I find that surprising because in the past it felt like everything is a struggle for us to agree on one thing.
Honestly I don’t know how or what couple counselling even did to us. I feel that both of us has been more patient and understanding towards each other and that’s all it took for us to have an amazing time.
The kids loved the trip, and I think it’s even more memorable when their parents don’t squabble. Looking back, my parents rarely ever argue when we go to holidays (which I think was less than 5 throughout my entire childhood sadly 😂), and that made it such a lovely memory for me.
I used to dread going to trips together because I didn’t like conflict, especially in new places. But after this last trip I feel like I’m so keen to go for more! 😂
I love how we are at the moment and I hope it will be a lasting change. I don’t feel the need to fish for his attention on social media anymore because he no longer ignores my concerns. And I feel so much calmer with his new attitude. I guess I also started to explain myself a lot more to him. He always calls me aloof in a bad way and now he knows I’m just overstimulated and go into a state of blankness. I get even more absent if he raises his voice at me. Idk why, I just can’t take it like a normal person. Childhood PTSD maybe 😂😂🤣
The kids are also so well behaved lately, maybe it’s a domino effect. We’re now trying to encourage them to verbalise their feelings and work them out with us so they wouldn’t end up growing into dysfunctional adults like both of us are. Well Tuesday are a bit young but jeeeezzz she recently started having so much attitude 🙄 girls..
Yes I’ve turned even older. Maybe not wiser but only wider? 😬 Jokes, I actually lost 15kg the last 10 months!
I actually could feel my depression trying to return to me, most likely because of winter. We also have guests throughout week of my birthday hence all routines were out of the window. To be fair, it’s actually my fault. I took annual leave the whole week because it’s my birthday week, and I decided that I will spend the week just relaxing all week. I stopped my exercises, my cleaning, my meal prep and my drumming practice routine. And at the end of the week at my birthday, I felt completely flat.
I basically urgently restarted my routine today 😬🤣
Back to the birthday surprise, not only he made a surprise party, he collaborated with friends and my own sister with his plans of deception! 🤣 I truly did not expect it at all.
But I was so exhausted mentally and physically (took the kids out to play) to even look surprised. But I was. I really was. I was also looking a lot like a hobo at my own surprise birthday party 🤣
In all honesty I hope I don’t have to go back to antidepressants, so I’ll keep exercising daily until I get my mind stable back again.
Wow this month’s credit card bill is more than my monthly salary 😂🤣ðŸ˜
I’m finally a #bigspender
Breathe. It will all pass. You’ve done well. Give yourself a pat on your shoulder. Give yourself a hug.
I want to believe that I’m a good person. Someone who is kind, someone who is understanding. I know I’m anything but.
I am impatient, I am selfish, I am prone to anger. I have a victim mentality.
I try so hard, but no matter how hard I try, my parents would still say the same. Am I still the same person as before? Did I not even move an inch?
I want to be a good person too. A good mother, a good daughter, a good wife, a good neighbour.
Every villain believes they are good. And yet all I feel is all these filth in my heart.
I want to be good too. I really do.
When you see no light
No way out
When you lose all hope
your heart sinks
Do you lit a match? Or do you keep searching?
In this cold place, you do not wish to stay in
There are others who screams darkness, when the clouds are hovering
Like mockery of your fear, you can’t compare
There’s always light at the end of the tunnel
But there’s no tunnel here
Can you lit a match? Can you keep searching?
I have not been able to fall in love,
Ever since the last time.
When you held my cold hands,
Keeping it safe in your pocket.
The first time I fell in love with that smile,
The warmth and your vulnerability.
I have not been able to love anyone else.
Since then onward.