Category: Journal

We went to a long weekend trip recently for the kids and it has been such a lovely gateway.

I realised that what made the trip so enjoyable was that Mojuju and I did not have a single disagreement throughout the entire trip. I find that surprising because in the past it felt like everything is a struggle for us to agree on one thing.

Honestly I don’t know how or what couple counselling even did to us. I feel that both of us has been more patient and understanding towards each other and that’s all it took for us to have an amazing time.

The kids loved the trip, and I think it’s even more memorable when their parents don’t squabble. Looking back, my parents rarely ever argue when we go to holidays (which I think was less than 5 throughout my entire childhood sadly 😂), and that made it such a lovely memory for me.

I used to dread going to trips together because I didn’t like conflict, especially in new places. But after this last trip I feel like I’m so keen to go for more! 😂

I love how we are at the moment and I hope it will be a lasting change. I don’t feel the need to fish for his attention on social media anymore because he no longer ignores my concerns. And I feel so much calmer with his new attitude. I guess I also started to explain myself a lot more to him. He always calls me aloof in a bad way and now he knows I’m just overstimulated and go into a state of blankness. I get even more absent if he raises his voice at me. Idk why, I just can’t take it like a normal person. Childhood PTSD maybe 😂😂🤣

The kids are also so well behaved lately, maybe it’s a domino effect. We’re now trying to encourage them to verbalise their feelings and work them out with us so they wouldn’t end up growing into dysfunctional adults like both of us are. Well Tuesday are a bit young but jeeeezzz she recently started having so much attitude 🙄 girls..

Who knew Mojuju is capable of such a big secret plan.

Yes I’ve turned even older. Maybe not wiser but only wider? 😬 Jokes, I actually lost 15kg the last 10 months!

I actually could feel my depression trying to return to me, most likely because of winter. We also have guests throughout week of my birthday hence all routines were out of the window. To be fair, it’s actually my fault. I took annual leave the whole week because it’s my birthday week, and I decided that I will spend the week just relaxing all week. I stopped my exercises, my cleaning, my meal prep and my drumming practice routine. And at the end of the week at my birthday, I felt completely flat.

I basically urgently restarted my routine today 😬🤣

Back to the birthday surprise, not only he made a surprise party, he collaborated with friends and my own sister with his plans of deception! 🤣 I truly did not expect it at all.

But I was so exhausted mentally and physically (took the kids out to play) to even look surprised. But I was. I really was. I was also looking a lot like a hobo at my own surprise birthday party 🤣

In all honesty I hope I don’t have to go back to antidepressants, so I’ll keep exercising daily until I get my mind stable back again.

I want to believe that I’m a good person. Someone who is kind, someone who is understanding. I know I’m anything but.

I am impatient, I am selfish, I am prone to anger. I have a victim mentality.

I try so hard, but no matter how hard I try, my parents would still say the same. Am I still the same person as before? Did I not even move an inch?

I want to be a good person too. A good mother, a good daughter, a good wife, a good neighbour.

Every villain believes they are good. And yet all I feel is all these filth in my heart.

I want to be good too. I really do.

I harvested tons of potatoes from our garden. Honestly, after much neglect I’m surprised theres so many of them 😂

I soaked them in hot water before air frying them. I mean, I was told I needed to deep dry them…. But I really didn’t want to 😱 all those wasted oil lol…

The results were great actually. The potato taste is so strong compared to frozen fries… I need to get used to it a bit. Taste very potatoey.. How do I even explain 😭😭

Well I guess we’ll be planting potatoes again next year! 😂

Ingredients:

Salt, sunflower oil, bunch of Italian herbs almost finishing so just throw all in. 🤣

We spent our entire lives wanting to understand others. The reason behind other’s actions, especially if it has brought hurt to us.

Many times, it is the person closest to us that hurt us the most, that we try to untangle their actions all our lives.

It becomes easier if you simply remember that they are just humans.

Humans are flawed, selfish, short sighted. Often times, even the best of all the humans run out of patience, kindness, and capacity to love.

The love of your life,

Families,

Friends,

Fathers,

And even mothers.

We are flawed beings. And that is what I’ve learnt recently. I can finally free myself from the ropes I tied my own heart with.

My baby sister is my first baby actually. I was technically a teenager when she was born.

I watched her grow up, rock her to sleep. Cooked meals for her when parents were working, and begrudgingly nagged her to shower everytime we’re on our own. I was her tooth fairy for so many years, because I wanted her to have a magical childhood as my Asian parents were too busy to make sure we’re fed and clothed.

When she came live with us 3 years ago, was the first time she left home. Although it was meant to be a temporary solution while she get posted all over the country, eventually we all got comfortable and she decided to travel even 4 hours to her placement.

She was so miserable living in Birmingham that she moved back to us 😂😂😂.

I’m not going to lie, I was so lonely before she came. Having her around made me so much happier. She helps out with the kids and the house all the time, and that made everything felt much more bearable.

Nothing beats coming home to cooked meals from work, not needing to look after the kids and cook at the same time 😭😭

I will always miss our kdrama binge nights.

She’s now going to start her independent life. She’s a full fledged adult now. She’s going to manage everything on her own. Our baby is no longer a baby.

I’m trying really hard not to show how sad I am, because I know I should be excited for her. In reality I will definite cry a river if I just let myself be. Don’t worry she doesn’t read this blog. None of my family members do 😂 including Mojuju.

Let her think I’m alright about it, because then she wouldn’t feel sad about leaving either. The worst thing will be both of us just crying at each other 😂😂😂😂😂

error: Content is protected !!