Author: Princess Ichigo

I make comics and dreams.

Recently I’ve been thinking just how little we need from the people we love, to be able to give back a lot. This is all after my post about how we just wanted to be loved.

But when one or both person believe the other person do not love them, this can quickly crumble. And no amount of effort now would work for the exchange.

The word exchange sounds like it’s transactional, and maybe it is. I never believed in unconditional love. Every love has a condition, and the least condition is to be loved. That has always been the condition for long lasting love, it is to be loved.

Wow I’m just like mumbling to myself before bedtime here. 😂😂😂

Recently I feel that I have a lot more of myself to give. I believe it’s because Mojuju has been stepping up, providing me with tlc. I felt more capable of giving love, both to him and the kids.

Its surprising, especially because I started a second job and is essentially working twice the hours I was before. I thought I’d crumble, but instead, Mojuju’s warmth guided me through it.

He came to me the other day telling me he cancelled his holiday with his mother next year because he didn’t want to leave me struggling with the kids. I kept asking him to go because I’ve never wanted him to feel like I’m stopping him. Actually when he initially told me he was going, I very quickly arranged childcare on my working days without even objecting. I even told him to extend the trip for another week or two. How else can I convince him to go? What if his mother thinks I’m the one who stop the trip from happening? I kept stuttering, reassuring him that I really didn’t mind. His next sentence just melted me into tears.

“It doesn’t matter to me, what matter to me most is you. You’re the only person for me.”

It felt odd, and strange, but warm. He has been putting me as a priority recently, which was something he forgot about the past years.

I realised then, all these while, I just wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I mattered. Because he mattered to me. And when I did not feel that way, I lied to myself that it’s okay because he didn’t matter too. But he always did.

I’ll now just bask in the love that he is pouring into me, then give it back to him in two folds.

We went to a long weekend trip recently for the kids and it has been such a lovely gateway.

I realised that what made the trip so enjoyable was that Mojuju and I did not have a single disagreement throughout the entire trip. I find that surprising because in the past it felt like everything is a struggle for us to agree on one thing.

Honestly I don’t know how or what couple counselling even did to us. I feel that both of us has been more patient and understanding towards each other and that’s all it took for us to have an amazing time.

The kids loved the trip, and I think it’s even more memorable when their parents don’t squabble. Looking back, my parents rarely ever argue when we go to holidays (which I think was less than 5 throughout my entire childhood sadly 😂), and that made it such a lovely memory for me.

I used to dread going to trips together because I didn’t like conflict, especially in new places. But after this last trip I feel like I’m so keen to go for more! 😂

I love how we are at the moment and I hope it will be a lasting change. I don’t feel the need to fish for his attention on social media anymore because he no longer ignores my concerns. And I feel so much calmer with his new attitude. I guess I also started to explain myself a lot more to him. He always calls me aloof in a bad way and now he knows I’m just overstimulated and go into a state of blankness. I get even more absent if he raises his voice at me. Idk why, I just can’t take it like a normal person. Childhood PTSD maybe 😂😂🤣

The kids are also so well behaved lately, maybe it’s a domino effect. We’re now trying to encourage them to verbalise their feelings and work them out with us so they wouldn’t end up growing into dysfunctional adults like both of us are. Well Tuesday are a bit young but jeeeezzz she recently started having so much attitude 🙄 girls..

Who knew Mojuju is capable of such a big secret plan.

Yes I’ve turned even older. Maybe not wiser but only wider? 😬 Jokes, I actually lost 15kg the last 10 months!

I actually could feel my depression trying to return to me, most likely because of winter. We also have guests throughout week of my birthday hence all routines were out of the window. To be fair, it’s actually my fault. I took annual leave the whole week because it’s my birthday week, and I decided that I will spend the week just relaxing all week. I stopped my exercises, my cleaning, my meal prep and my drumming practice routine. And at the end of the week at my birthday, I felt completely flat.

I basically urgently restarted my routine today 😬🤣

Back to the birthday surprise, not only he made a surprise party, he collaborated with friends and my own sister with his plans of deception! 🤣 I truly did not expect it at all.

But I was so exhausted mentally and physically (took the kids out to play) to even look surprised. But I was. I really was. I was also looking a lot like a hobo at my own surprise birthday party 🤣

In all honesty I hope I don’t have to go back to antidepressants, so I’ll keep exercising daily until I get my mind stable back again.

I want to believe that I’m a good person. Someone who is kind, someone who is understanding. I know I’m anything but.

I am impatient, I am selfish, I am prone to anger. I have a victim mentality.

I try so hard, but no matter how hard I try, my parents would still say the same. Am I still the same person as before? Did I not even move an inch?

I want to be a good person too. A good mother, a good daughter, a good wife, a good neighbour.

Every villain believes they are good. And yet all I feel is all these filth in my heart.

I want to be good too. I really do.

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