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Anxiety is wanting to know the answers that cannot be known yet.

We all have been accused of doing something we didn’t. I don’t know about you, but my childhood was filled with them.

I don’t know why it mattered to me so much. Maybe because they were my parents, and it felt like they had the most negative opinion about me without finding out the truth.

I was watching a video about a famous theme park in our country and it reminded me of when I was 16 and asked to go with my friends. I was told that one of our teacher would accompany us, and so that was what I told my parents.

What happened after was bizzare. I remembered my mom asked me if I’m sure that the teacher was going and I replied with “yeah” with no care in the world. I was grounded for a month after, and my parents did not tell me why. They were clearly angry at me, and there were a lot tension.

I remembered being perplexed, and hurt. They never mentioned anything throughout about why they were mad. I eventually found out from my teacher after the trip, that she wasn’t present.

I remembered how hurt I felt after. I never quite understand why wouldn’t my parents spoke to me or try to understand me. There was no trial, just punishment.

My entire teenage years replayed with similar theme the entire time. I’d be accused of doing something bad, when I did not. I’d be accused of everything that goes wrong in the house.

I remembered crying in the corner of my best friend’s room in the dark, because I felt like going home feels like a punishment. I hated home, I hated my house, I hated the way I’m looked at. It’s something my sister will never understand, because she was only a toddler. She had a very different set of parents. I’m glad that she didn’t experience the same parents I had.

Now that I’m a parent, I want to have more faith in my children than I had before. I don’t want to look at my children with a black tinted glasses.

I wasn’t a bad child, I always wondered why wouldn’t my parents believe in me.

Yesterday Princess Tuesday cried after knocking her hip at the stairs.

She started wailing as usual, she’s never one to shy away from a loud cry.

I knew she hurt herself because she kept rubbing her hips. So I comfort her and hugged her tightly.

She continued crying while holding me really tight.

It dawned upon me that I never get a hug when I cry, many times I get reprimanded for being weak, cry baby, and just not strong enough. My memory of my mom hugging me was only when she had an argument with dad when I was 6, she was sobbing. Mom has told me recently that I was a cry baby and so to stop me from crying she would always bring up the police getting me or her if I continues, and as I grew up, needless to say it was just “Get a grip. Crying doesn’t get you anything.

Dad hugs me a lot, but never when I’m emotionally vulnerable. To be fair, he never around when I was hurt, and eventually we drifted apart emotionally. Our hugs are more playful than wholesome.

As I hugged Princess Tuesday, a part of me felt like I was hugging my 4 year old self.

I wasn’t weak, I wasn’t a crybaby. I just needed love, but my mom thought it was strength that I needed. I needed warmth, she thought I needed grit. Our boomer parents grew up in a dog eat dog world, where grit was survival, so I understand how that happened.

I hope my children will grow up knowing that my arms are always theirs to stay in.

Recently I feel that I have a lot more of myself to give. I believe it’s because Mojuju has been stepping up, providing me with tlc. I felt more capable of giving love, both to him and the kids.

Its surprising, especially because I started a second job and is essentially working twice the hours I was before. I thought I’d crumble, but instead, Mojuju’s warmth guided me through it.

He came to me the other day telling me he cancelled his holiday with his mother next year because he didn’t want to leave me struggling with the kids. I kept asking him to go because I’ve never wanted him to feel like I’m stopping him. Actually when he initially told me he was going, I very quickly arranged childcare on my working days without even objecting. I even told him to extend the trip for another week or two. How else can I convince him to go? What if his mother thinks I’m the one who stop the trip from happening? I kept stuttering, reassuring him that I really didn’t mind. His next sentence just melted me into tears.

“It doesn’t matter to me, what matter to me most is you. You’re the only person for me.”

It felt odd, and strange, but warm. He has been putting me as a priority recently, which was something he forgot about the past years.

I realised then, all these while, I just wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I mattered. Because he mattered to me. And when I did not feel that way, I lied to myself that it’s okay because he didn’t matter too. But he always did.

I’ll now just bask in the love that he is pouring into me, then give it back to him in two folds.

We do stupid things for love. And then destroy love by doing stupid things.

Just us humans.

(philosophy from kdrama)

There’s so much hate in the world right now. I’m asking myself, was it right for me to bring Monday and Tuesday into this sort of world.

We went to a long weekend trip recently for the kids and it has been such a lovely gateway.

I realised that what made the trip so enjoyable was that Mojuju and I did not have a single disagreement throughout the entire trip. I find that surprising because in the past it felt like everything is a struggle for us to agree on one thing.

Honestly I don’t know how or what couple counselling even did to us. I feel that both of us has been more patient and understanding towards each other and that’s all it took for us to have an amazing time.

The kids loved the trip, and I think it’s even more memorable when their parents don’t squabble. Looking back, my parents rarely ever argue when we go to holidays (which I think was less than 5 throughout my entire childhood sadly 😂), and that made it such a lovely memory for me.

I used to dread going to trips together because I didn’t like conflict, especially in new places. But after this last trip I feel like I’m so keen to go for more! 😂

I love how we are at the moment and I hope it will be a lasting change. I don’t feel the need to fish for his attention on social media anymore because he no longer ignores my concerns. And I feel so much calmer with his new attitude. I guess I also started to explain myself a lot more to him. He always calls me aloof in a bad way and now he knows I’m just overstimulated and go into a state of blankness. I get even more absent if he raises his voice at me. Idk why, I just can’t take it like a normal person. Childhood PTSD maybe 😂😂🤣

The kids are also so well behaved lately, maybe it’s a domino effect. We’re now trying to encourage them to verbalise their feelings and work them out with us so they wouldn’t end up growing into dysfunctional adults like both of us are. Well Tuesday are a bit young but jeeeezzz she recently started having so much attitude 🙄 girls..